GOING HOME

You’ve been away from home for the better part of a year. You’ve made your own choices, and whether they were good or bad, you’ve dealt with the consequences. No one told you when you could go out or when you had to come home. No one told you when to wash your clothes or when to clean your room. Now you’re going home, and your independence may be limited. So how do you deal with that?

The first step is to expect that there will be adjustments that will have to be made in order for everyone to get along. While your parents may not give you a curfew, they may want to know where you will be, how to contact you, and what time you expect to be home. This may feel like they are smothering you, but when you live with other people, it is courteous to let them know your plans. This is for your safety as well as their peace of mind in case of an emergency.

You may be asked to help out with chores around the house. Again, like it or not, part of being a responsible adult is taking the initiative to care for your home and your things. This may mean doing laundry, cleaning the bathroom, helping with yard work, or cooking and cleaning up after meals. Your willing and voluntary help will make life much more pleasant for everyone in the home.

During your year away, you will have grown emotionally and intellectually. You may have opinions that are different from those you held before you went away to school, and that are different from those of your parents. This is part of the maturation process, and shows that you are growing up! Your family was not here to be part of these changes, and may expect you to be the same as you were when you left home. Likewise, if you have younger siblings, they will have also grown and changed while you were away, too. These changes may take a while to adjust to. Talking calmly about your feelings and opinions will help to bridge the gap you may feel.

When disagreements arise, as they inevitably will, the best way to handle them is to sit down together and discuss the problem. Try not to attack the other person or their opinion, but calmly and rationally explain your point of view, and listen to them as well.

If you’d like to talk to someone about positive ways to handle changes and going home, call MU Counseling Services at 424-6277 for a confidential appointment.

ANGER

I get really angry a lot at seemingly little things. How can I keep from getting so angry?

There are three main ways of dealing with anger: expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing anger can be done in ways that are healthy and constructive, or in ways that are dangerous and destructive. Violent outbursts are a way to temporarily release anger, but almost always result in people being physically or emotionally hurt. A healthier way to express anger is to learn how to make your needs clear, and how you would like to have those needs met, without hurting others. A successful way to make these needs known to others is by using “I” statements: “I feel ________ when/because ________. I would like _______.” An example would be, “I feel angry when I am left out of the group’s activities. I would like to be asked to join in sometimes when you go out together.”

Anger can also be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The goal is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The problem with this type of response is that if your anger isn’t allowed some sort of outward expression, it may turn inward—on yourself. This, in turn, may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression. It can also lead to passive-aggressive behavior or an attitude that seems to always be cynical, hostile, or critical.

Finally, you can use calming strategies to control your anger. Relaxation techniques, such as breathing deeply, using imagery, and/or tensing and relaxing your muscles (see ideas in “stress and burnout” article), will help to diffuse your anger. Changing the way you think is another way to calm yourself. Using words like “awful,” “horrible,” “terrible,” “always,” and “never” will often make a situation seem worse than it really is. Using logic will usually defeat anger, because anger, even when it is justified, can quickly become irrational.

It is important to know that if you avoid any feelings, including anger, for long enough, these feelings can end up controlling your life. Anger is just a feeling. If we work to discover the source of our anger and learn how to express it in a constructive way, it will gradually disappear.

If you would like to talk with someone about how to deal with your anger, call M.U. Counseling Services at 424-6277 for a confidential appointment. We’re here to help you work through the tough issues of life.