Sexual assault can traumatize not only the victim, but also his or her family and friends.  One of the greatest hardships is not knowing how to help… 

Each victim’s reaction to sexual assault is individual, as is each victim’s recovery.  It is important to keep the previous sentence in mind when thinking about how to help.  Below are some tips on how to help a victim in his or her road to recovery. 

1. Let the victim take the lead in his or her own recovery. 
The victim may feel lost as if they have no control as a result of their assault – do not force them to do anything they are not ready for – that includes talking.  The victim will let you know when he or she is ready to talk, do not make them feel like they need to talk or give you any details of their assault if they are not ready to disclose that information. 

2. Recognize that nothing you can do will erase the fact that they were sexually assaulted. 
If you understand this fact, hopefully a burden can be lifted off your shoulders.  Do not spend time thinking “I wish I would have told [the victim] not to go to that party” or “I wish we could go back in time three days…”  You cannot go back in time, and you cannot change the past – it is your job now to help the victim heal, not to wish that you could erase the fact that he or she has to heal. 

3. Face your own fears and prejudices about sexual assault. 
It  is ugly and it is scary.  You may feel uncomfortable thinking about sexual assault, and worse talking about it.  You are entitled to your feelings and they are understandable, but do not let them get in the way of helping the victim.  You may find that you experience anger at the attacker, or even at the victim.  You may feel afraid or you may feel guilty.  Everything you feel is justified – they are your feelings.  However, your own emotional pain may prevent you from hearing what the victim has to say, and thus helping the to heal.  Be conscious of your feelings – do not be afraid or ashamed to seek counseling for yourself. Sexual assault councilors are aware of the effects assault has on everyone attached to the victim, they can help you understand your feelings and help you to help the victim. 

4. Accept the victim’s experience the way it happened. 
Do not second-guess the victim’s behavior.  Refrain from making comments such as “you should not have worn that” or “you should have kicked” or “you should not have gone out by yourself”. SEXUAL ASSAULT IS NOT THE VICTIM’S FAULT.  Regardless of what they were wearing or what their actions were, the victim did not ask to be sexually assaulted.  Do not focus on the victim’s behavior when it is the perpetrator’s behavior that should be condemned.  Again, nothing the victim did or did not do caused the assault.  You may feel that the victim used poor judgment in the situation, but the responsibility for the fact that a crime occurred lies with the person who committed it! 

5. Leave comparisons alone. 
It does not help to compare the victim’s experience with that of others who have been sexually assaulted.  Each assault is individual, as are each victim’s reactions to the assault; therefore each assault should be handled individually.  And be sure not to compare what did happen with what could have happened.  The victim already knows how much worse things could have been, there is no need to point it out and demean their legitimate feelings. 

6. Face the issue.
While some people like to deal with things by ignoring them, that will not work in this case.  Do not instruct a victim not to worry, not to cry or not to think about it.  Those are all unrealistic requests.  Neither the crime nor the aftermath will go away by ignoring them. 

7. Be ready to listen. 
It is important to let the victim know that you are available to listen when they need you.  Try to listen non-judgmentally and do not ask specific questions.  Your interest to know the details of the assault should not overpower your desire to be supportive and do what you can to help the victim heal.  If when discussing the assault, the victim continually refers to the assault as “it” (and the “it” happened), do not pressure them to tell you what “it” is. 

Other ways to help: 
 

• Take the victim out for a night to help them from dwelling on what happened to them – take them to see a funny movie or to get a pizza, anything to give them a break from being reminded of what they experienced. 
• Offer to call them at night to make sure they are doing okay. 
• Let them know you are thinking about them. 
• Go out with them to participate in an activity that allows them to release any anger they might have. 
• Support them in court if their case goes to trial.  Ask them if they would like you to go to court.  If they want supporters there, round up a group of friends to go with you to show your support.  If the victim would rather no one he or she knew came to court, help spread the word to keep others out.