Urine Good Company says “Pay to Pee!”
URGENT: FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Monday, April 12, 2010
Under a new directive from the Urine Good Company (recently contracted by Millikin’s Department of Theatre and Dance to extort revenue from its patrons), users must pay a fee to access all toilet facilities on campus. Effective April 28, 2010, Policy F-37982.3 states that those seeking urinary relief must use UGC’s Public Amenity No. 9, the only available option for relieving themselves on campus. In a press conference held to announce the new policy, UGC spokesperson Penelope Pennywise cited “depleted water supplies and the need to conserve” as reasons for the policy, though she was overheard later singing “It’s a privilege to pee!” through a microphone accidently left on after the announcement.
Beginning on April 28 all toilets on the Millikin University Campus will be equipped with a coin deposit mechanism and swipe card reader. Every user will be required to pay 25¢ to access the toilet stalls, or if they prefer to swipe, the fee will be charged to their MU account by the Urine Good Company. An appropriate percentage of the revenue (called “pee-ola” by an anonymous theatre professor) will be kicked back to the Department of Theatre and Dance.
Campus enforcement of Policy F-37982.3 will be conducted by two new officers hired by UGC, Mr. Lockstock and Mr. Barrel. Lockstock and Barrel will apprehend, fine, assault, kill, or issue citations to those who refuse to pay to pee as well as those caught peeing in places other than Amenity No. 9.
Certain members of the public, clearly outraged by the policy, have already begun to organize resistance activities. Community members Soupy Sue, Hot Blades Harry, and Tiny Tom, led by reluctant activist and community organizer Bobby Strong, have formed a coalition to protest the policy “with violence if necessary… and really mean songs.”
Caldwell B. Cladwell, president and CEO of the Urine Good Company, will host a series of musical town hall meetings (sponsored by the Department of Theatre and Dance) on April 28th through May 1st at 7:30PM and on Sunday, May 2nd at 2:00PM. These will take place in Albert Taylor Theatre, where Cladwell and Pennywise have promised to field appropriate questions from the peeing public. Inappropriate questions will result in an all-expenses-paid trip to Urinetown, a mysterious place from which no traveler returns.
These meetings are open to all Millikin students, faculty and staff, as well as concerned citizens of the Decatur area. Seating is limited, so please contact the Kirkland Box Office at 217-424-6318 for tickets and further information.
If you think you cannot attend the meetings but would like to register a complaint about policy F-37982.3, please e-mail UGC@millikin.edu Your comment or concern will receive a prompt and thoroughly unsatisfying response.
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